


How They Must Feel

by Mistress_Kalamity



Series: My Heart's To Blame [7]
Category: Tokio Hotel
Genre: Drama, Emergency - Freeform, Emotional, Epilepsy, F/F, M/M, Seizure, Teen Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-28 23:37:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10841835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mistress_Kalamity/pseuds/Mistress_Kalamity
Summary: Feelings. Everyone's got them. Most of the time these feelings are kept to ourselves. How about we release them, shall we?





	How They Must Feel

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo, so this one is a bit dramatic. However, I wanted one part of this story to maybe show us what the other side looks like. So I present to you the next installment of the My Heart's to Blame Series. Now, this segment fits right after Just Like You in the timeline. Wouldn't want anyone getting confused. 
> 
> Anyway, please enjoy and remember comments aren't required for updates but they are greatly appreciated.

It took a lot to convince Georg to allow her to have a slumber party. With all the running around that her fathers had been doing for the band. The usual budget meetings, album listening, and venue booking. They stayed out of the really stressful things. Well Georg did, anyway. Tom took it upon himself to move in with Bill for a good part of the album writing and production.

Georg was saddened every time Tom would announce he'd be leaving for what usually ended up being around five months for three years. Bill's meltdown happened around that time too, so he stayed longer for that. Now that Tom is home more often, he's been trying to catch up on family time. Milo's request felt like an intrusion. He eventually agreed because she asked Tom who said it was fine and convinced Georg to "turn to the dark side" as he put it.

"So what's the plan?" Georg asks Friday morning over breakfast. Milo stuffs her mouth with Tom's fluffy pancakes before responding.

"Well...Hyland, Dylan, and Torrie are all going to be driving back with Mike, Uncle B and I, stopping for sushi of course."

"Bill," Tom sighs rubbing the bridge of his nose in fake annoyance.

"Right..."Milo chuckles, "so after a quick sushi stop, we are gonna jet right back here." Georg nods and checks his phone. He checks his texts from Bill and is elated upon his most recent message.

"Tom, Bill agreed to baby sit while we head out to dinner."

"Babysit..." Milo whines, "pop, I'm 14."

"Uh huh, and so are your three female friends. There is no way I'm leaving four teenage girls alone on a Friday night," Georg snorts.

"So you recruit the 24 year old teenager?" Tom chuckles.

"Look, he's a decent parental figure. I trust him more with a fussy baby and four teenagers than I would Gustav. He'd lock them up." Tom shrugs and sips his coffee. He isn't gonna judge Georg's choice. If it were him he'd call Simone but she'd keep the girls from having fun and she'd coddle Sasha.

Tom realizes he chose him because he knew the girls wouldn't feel watched. They'd have more fun. Bill would most likely order out and be more like a cool older brother oppose to her uncle. Besides her friends adored him. After cleaning up, Tom gets a fussy Sasha into her clothes and into her car seat, ready for daycare. She's been a very agitated baby ever since she began teething. She likes nibbling on her jelly ring and her keys but the pain often wakes her up. Bill and his often soothing voice could provide the baby some respite.

He drops Milo off at school, reminding her that he'll be home once they've gotten to there from sushi. The dinner was scheduled for seven thirty. So they'd all at least get to say bye before her parents headed out. The excited teen bounces to her locker, finding her friends all chatting with their duffels at their feet. "Hey, guys!" She chirps.

"Hey, Mi," Hyland smiles. She'd never tell the girl but she had a crush on her. Milo is young but she's no fool. The tall American appreciated the island girl's company. Having a slumber party meant possibly having the chance to get closer to Milo. To really meet her family and see her home life. The taller teen shifts uncomfortably on her feet.

"You okay, Hy?" Dylan asks, knowing how Hyland felt and seeing the uncomfortable grimace on her face. She only nods and gestures to her old shoes, wanting Dylan to drop it. Stop drawing Milo's attention. The shooter gets it and brushes off anymore comments.

"So is Bill going to be around," Torrie asks.

"Yeah. My parents are going out and he's watching Sasha."

"And us...don't sugarcoat it. I know your dads, especially the mean one, would never let us be alone," Hyland snorts.

"Pop's not mean, he's just really serious and unemotional. My dad and his brother used to pick on him a lot back in the day."

"The only memory I have of your Pop was the day that girl punched you in the face after we won that game and he tore through all the spectators to get to you," Torrie reminiscences, putting a finger to her temple as if that recalled the memory more vividly. "The entire team was terrified he was gonna eat her or something."

"Pop's not that big and scary lookin'. You guys are idiots. Let's get to class before we are all benched for a season," Milo laughs. The group splits off to go head to their respective classes, leaving Hyland alone with Milo as they walked to English together. Hyland is sweating straight tanks but doesn't show her anxiety to the smaller girl.

"Uh...are you excited for the weekend?" Hyland asks.

"Oh yes! This is my first sleepover since I left the orphanage. Then again, that doesn't count. I shared a room with three other girls who didn't like me."

"You've uh...never told me about that place," Hyland swallows.

"It sucked. I was so glad when daddy got me. God, I honestly was going to jump off the hill behind the house if he didn't come," she recalls sadly. Her friend doesn't push it anymore seeing that is clearly a soft spot in Milo. The island girl smiles at her friend for sensing that and both turn into the classroom that held their English class.

Milo is almost shining from how happy she is after school. She tosses her gear into her duffel and lugs it onto her shoulder. Running down the locker room stairs, she meets the other three girls by the water fountain. Its 4:30 and they should be there around 6. Right before her parents leave and the party starts. Bill notices his niece's beaming face upon her entering the limo. "Isn't this a bit much for a sushi run?" Milo chuckles while she climbs in.

"Nah, there's what, six of us? I'm not driving six people anywhere. So I made a call," Bill smiles while sipping from a champagne glass. "Plus Mike and I are both drinking."

"Anyway...uncle b, do you remember my friends?"

"Of course. That's the American, the uh French girl and your the Spaniard right," Bill jokes. "I'm kidding. Nice to see you again, guys." Torrie only scoots closer to Bill. She had this adorable crush on him and he knew it. He never played into her feelings though. Not knowing what it'd lead to. He also didn't like girls, so that really helped him to turn off his flirting abilities.

"What's this sushi place anyway?" Hyland pipes up.

"Glad someone finally asked me! Jeez, I have been waiting to recommend this place for months and not one person has asked about it," Bill exhales dramatically. "Okay, so its called Lucky Cat and its not a chain place. Its authentic Japanese sushi and cuisine. The sushi is out of this world."

"Never knew you like sushi, Bill," Torrie chuckles.

"Well yeah, I've been in love since I tried it in Japan during my Asian tour."

"You've been to Japan?" Dylan squeaks.

"Yeah, like three times now. Very beautiful country."

"Hold on, Dylan, you're ignoring the bigger question, you went on an Asian tour?" Hyland interjects.

"Uh yeah, just played some shows in some Asian countries. Uh Taipei, Japan, Malaysia, uh I can't think of anymore."

"That's insane! How'd you do that?"

"Uh Tokio Hotel, Hyland? He's the lead singer, remember?" Milo chuckles.

"No friggin way! Since when?!"

"Uh since I was about 7. That was nearly 20 years ago, shit." Milo is enjoying the conversation they have and continue until they get to her house. Tom's trying to calm a screaming Sasha down. Bill takes the screaming baby and starts a lullaby while walking up to the nursery.

"Alright, Georg I trust your choice for babysitter," Tom whispers in his ear.

"Uh huh. Are you girls all good with clothes and crap for the weekend?"

"Uh duh, that's why we're having a sleepover Mr. Listing," Torrie snorts.

"Okay, well we will be out of your hair soon. Go unpack and get settled in Milo's room," Georg directs while fluffing his daughter's curly hair. The girls retreat to Milo's room and Tom slips into the kitchen. Georg, with a huff follows.

"You didn't have to follow me in here," Tom snorts.

"What are you doing?"

"Making the girls some snacks."

"They have sushi," Georg points out.

"I know but after, they'll be munching. I'll just leave them some snacks, just ziplocks of pretzels, water and some homemade trail mix. And the bags of chips and oreos. They are teenagers."

"You are definitely their mother." Tom's cheeks puff up and he turns red. Georg often jokes about how having children, hell having dogs too, always brings out the 'Simone' in him. He denied being exactly like his mother but moments like this always proved Georg right, every time. He resumes preparing the food, ignoring his husband's comment.

"Nothing. I would've thought that would've started your engines," Georg frowns.

"Are you trying to make me laugh? Or trying to make me punch you in the face? Tell me what response you're looking for," Tom retorts, pointing a ziplock full of pretzels at his dumbfounded husband.

"I would prefer laughter but if you punch me then it'd really be like old times."

"Old times?" Tom pries.

"Yeah, you know back when we weren't so busy. Back when we could still go grab a smoothie in the city then go bullshit a day away."

"Ah, well things change and I'm happy with the way things are now," Tom smiles leaning over the counter to kiss Georg. The latter grabs his face and the two start a fierce tongue battle until Bill saunters in, cigarette tucked between his lips.

"Wow, in the kitchen guys?" He chuckles. Tom pulls away from Georg redder than he had ever been and walks back to the tray with snacks on it. Frowning, he just tucks them into a bag he had lying around and decides to bring that. Leaving his brother and husband alone, he walks up the stairs to his daughter's room. The door's open and the girls are each taking turns tossing a soft ball into the hoop mounted above her desk. Hyland misses and the ball bonks Tom on the nose, sending the girls into loud laughter.

"Alright, very funny guys. I just brought up some snacks because knowing all you athletes, that sushi won't hold you for long and you'll be munching until Bill orders pizza or something."

"Thanks, dad," Milo chirps.

"Hey, Mr. K, are you also in Tokio Hotel?" Dylan asks.

"Yeah, I'm the guitar player," Tom smiles.

"Dude, why didn't you tell us?" Hyland whines while playfully shoving Milo with her foot. The girls had all sat on the bed. Milo is closest to the window. Hyland on her left, Dylan across from her, and Torrie on her right. Milo and Dylan sit pretzel style while Hyland hugs her long legs and Torrie leans on her hand while laying her other arm to rest on her straight, crossed legs.

"Uh, I totally did. It was a first day fact about me," Milo exclaims. Tom only shakes his head and goes to walk out of the room. He didn't want to intrude in girl time. He gets to her bookshelf before the feeling hits. He puts a hand on the wood to steady himself. His vision started to swim and the colors got brighter, more vivid.

Milo sees her father is teetering so she hops off her bed and gets to his side. Her father's eyes are wide and unfocused. The teen calls down the stairs for her other father but there isn't enough time. Tom's falling back, taking the bookcase down with him. Milo catches the actual case but the books fall out all over the floor. Luckily it's a half shelf, so it doesn't come up higher than Tom's waist. She shoves the wooden furniture to the side and goes over to her father. His body is stiff on the ground and his eyes have rolled slightly upward, as if he were staring at the wall above his head. She swears under her breath because she didn't want her friends to know about this. At least not now. Or like this. Milo adjusts his body so he's on his side and allows him the space to convulse. "Milo, what's--"

"Torrie, I can't answer any questions right now. My father needs my help. Can you move that bookshelf please? And get my pop, I don't think he heard me." Before anyone can move Georg comes flying through the door. He heard the bookshelf fall and that alerted him that something was wrong. Tom's throat released a ghastly cry and that sent shivers down everyone's back. Georg gets down onto his knees and puts his hands on Tom's arms and legs to keep him on his side.

"Milo, pass me your comforter and girls don't worry, he's fine. This happens sometimes," Georg sighs, trying not to sound upset when he so clearly is. This seizure came out of nowhere. Literally. There was no warning or sign this was coming all day. Hell maybe that was the sign. Nothing. Bill comes up the stairs, seeing the confusion, he calls Milo and her friends out of the room. He brings Georg Tom's AEDs, a towel and a bandage with ointment in case Tom cut something in the fall. His brother was still convulsing; limbs tight against his body; jerks running laps through his shoulders, arms, legs, hands, feet and neck. His waist bucks up off the ground and that exposes the wet patch growing on his blue jeans. Choked, wet cries shake Bill's core. Bill could deal with the convulsions, it's the sounds of Tom crying out that hurt him. He can't tell if he's only making those sounds as a part of his seizure or if he's really suffering to that degree. Bill travels down the stairs, worried about how Milo's feeling. He felt her embarrassment. He calls the girl into the kitchen and she doesn't look worried, she looks angry.

"Alright, I know things didn't turn out the way you wanted."

"He couldn't just stay out of my room?! Why would he _do_ that there?!"

"Miliani, you know your father can't control his seizures," Bill scolds, his voice slightly deeper than usual.

"Well then maybe he should just stay away from me and my friends. I don't car--." She's cut off by a hard hand slapping her across her face. She cups her wounded cheek and looks at her uncle.

"You will not disrespect your father...my brother like that, young lady." Milo notices that Bill's German seems to be darker the angrier he gets. His pronunciation of the words is harsher and every word sounds like a hex or uttered curse. She lowers her hands and looks at the man fearfully. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have struck you."

"I uh, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have said that to you."

"Milo, its okay to be frustrated but don't blame your father. He's suffering too," Bill sighs while rubbing his face. His emotions are all over the place and he's not in the right head space to process what's happening to his brother. His niece disappears into the living room, trying to find the words to explain. She faces her friends, eyes wet with tears. She slowly sits down in the arm chair closest to the mantel.

"Is everything okay?" Hyland asks. "How's your dad?"

"Guys, confession time. Or more like I omitted one fabulous detail about my father."

"Does it have to do with what just happened?" Torrie asks. The sad teen nods her head sadly and wipes the falling tears off her cheek.

"My dad, he uh, ahem, he uh has epilepsy. Real bad too."

"What's that?" Dylan shrugs.

"That's like constant seizures right? Something you're born with," Torrie stammers out. Milo nods that her friend's partially right.

"My dad takes medication but he can still have seizures like what just happened."

"Is that like a nonstop thing that happens?" Hyland asks.

"Well, not normally but he's been really stressed out with the new record and has been constantly moving about. This attack was inevitable."

"Do we have to go home?" Torrie asks. Milo opens her mouth to say yes but Bill quickly interjects.

"Nonsense. Milo's going to need her friends right now. I'll talk to Georg," the blonde brushes off the thought of them leaving. Milo's very angry at her father's illness and to be alone with no distraction from her family would surely trigger a tantrum. A screaming tantrum, slamming doors and cursing included. He climbs the stairway and his heart plummets.

"Bill, call the paramedics he's not coming out of it. I gave him the AED and he's still seizing!" Georg exclaims. The blonde goes over to his brother and places a hand on Tom's tense convulsing hip once he kneels down. His hand trembles as he withdraws his phone and dials for emergency. His voice shakes as he relates the situation to the stone cold dispatcher. He hated dealing with the empathetically challenged ones. He's on the verge of tears and she's dryly telling him take a deep breath and remain calm. Bitch. He hangs up the phone and leans up to Tom's face to kiss his cheek. He always kisses his cheek when he's like this, a silent reminder that Bill is always there. He grimaces at the amount of fluids that coat the towel Georg placed beneath his head.

"He uh, vomited at the five minute mark. That's when I gave him the shot," Georg sighs.

"Jeez, this is a bad one. I hate when he gets like this. His regular grand mals are bad enough." Both men are silent as a chorus of grunts and groans escape Tom's mouth reminding both of them that he's still convulsing. Bill looks at the room and frowns that Tom's having one of his worst seizures to date in his daughter's room. This space would be tainted forever.

"Damn! He's puking again! Bill, pass me a cloth, hurry," Georg directs, pulling the younger twin out of his wonderland. "Shh, Tom its okay, breathe. You're doing great, just come out. Come on. I know this is a build up because you haven't had one in a while, shh its okay." Squeaks escape Tom's throat because he's inhaling but not exhaling. Georg starts patting his back in hopes to start Tom's breathing. Where are those paramedics?! His eyes go up to the ceiling as he prays to a god he stopped believing in for forgiveness and then turns to Bill.

"What is it?"

"Go in the closet and bring me Tom's seizure bag." The twin doesn't need to be told twice. He knows that its to be used during the more serious of seizures. He brings the purple duffel out of the closet and into Milo's room, stopping at the top of the staircase to tell Milo to let the paramedics in when they arrive. Bill kneels back down and opens the bag, he hands the oxygen mask to Georg and turns on the tank. He places it over Tom's face and holds it in place. Bill gets up from his position and goes over to sit closer to Tom's rigid bicep. He cleans the site with a alcohol wipe and then sticks it right into his arm. As soon as he removes the needle, the paramedics arrive into the room. Bill tells them what's been done and they take Tom as it. Swapping his emergency tank for theirs, he's loaded up into an ambulance. Bill agrees to watch the girls and call their mother to meet them at the hospital. Milo's sitting silently in the room, not wanting to talk. Bill cleaned up her room but it still felt off.

Her friends knew. They fucking knew how horrible his condition is. They watched as paramedics took her shaking father outside to transport him to a hospital. They saw her father have an accident in his pants. They saw her father in a way that she didn't even like seeing her father. Tears roll down her chubby cheeks and Hyland immediately wipes them away. "Hey, hey, sad eyes, why are you crying?" The taller teen asks.

"I wish I was still at the orphanage," she mutters.

"What?! Why?!" Torrie exclaims.

"Things here are great but.... And I love my parents but...."

"Tom's seizures can be overwhelming," Bill interjects walking into the room. He looks at the girls all huddled around Milo in an attempt to comfort her as he knew they would. He joins them on the floor, remembering the nights when Gustav and Georg used to comfort him during Tom's more aggressive seizures and subsequent hospital stay.

"Mr. Kaulitz," Torrie starts, "how old were you when he had his first seizure?"

"God, a couple months old and even that's a stretch. My mom's the only one who really knows," Bill explains.

"I see. Did she take care of you alone?" Torrie chirps.

"You're very intrigued with me. You've been interrogating me since the car."

"Right. Sorry, I like to know as much as I can about a person. I do this to everyone but you're very interesting."

"Am I, Torrie, is it?" Bill smirks.

"Mhmm." Bill leans forward and gets into her personal space.

"Tell you a secret, I hate talking about myself," he whispers in her ear. The young girl shudders and smiles up at him.

"What'd he say?" Dylan asks.

"It's a secret," Torrie giggles. Bill only winks as a response and the girl is yet again in a fit of giggles. She turns her attention back to Milo, the teen started cuddling with Hyland making the other two girls smile with wide eyes. Bill saw the reactions and knew instantly what they were ogling over.

"Uncle b, how'd you learn to cope with this?"

"Honestly, I never did. Every seizure your father has had that I can vividly remember scars me. It hurt to know that someone I care about...deeply, is plagued by something that can kill them if not properly cared for."

"Never thought about it like that," Milo whimpers looking down at her feet.

"Well don't start. Trust me. It's a worse hell."

"How can you expect me not to? Especially when you just said that," Milo nearly cries.

"You have time to stop thinking that way. I've had this thought ever since I was about 6. You can easily just be there for him and love him. Love him like we all do. Regardless of his illness," Bill smiles. The younger female looks at her uncle with sad eyes but she can see the honesty in his gaze. He's dealt with this for years. Years of watching his brother succumb to all sorts of injuries from falls due to his epilepsy. 

 

She couldn't believe that he could still smile in this room despite what transpired a few moments ago. He stands to his feet and looks around the room. "How about we catch a movie? I'm sure that would take your mind off things. We could go to a theater or pull something up on that massive tv of yours?"

 

"TV is fine. I don't wanna get swarmed by paps," Milo groans. 

 

"Alright. I'll pop some of your vegan popcorn and make some regular for us. Still don't understand why you prefer that stuff."

 

"They don't cure the kernels in animal fat so it absorbs more butter and salt," the girl chuckles sadly. 

 

"Okay, fine. I'll pop some popcorn and we can watch a movie. Anything come to mind?" He asks, glancing over the group he stops, "Torrie? How you come downstairs and pick something out while I make snacks?" The girl stands up quickly and follows the taller male out of the room. He leads her into the living room and asks her to sit. She eagerly obliges and he plops down next to her. 

 

"What about the popcorn?"

 

"I'll get to it. I wanted to talk to you first."

 

"Oh. Did I do something wrong?"

 

"No, of course not. It's just, I can tell that you have a thing for me."

 

" _Oh._ Am I _that_ obvious?" She questions shyly looking at her feet instead of his eyes like she normally would. 

 

"A little bit. Listen, I think it's cute but I don't want you getting your hopes up, I'm gay." She quickly looks up at him and he can see her dreams shatter in an instant. It's almost as if he could hear her heart break inside her chest. 

 

"Oh, really?" She breathes, trying not to show him that this news broke her. She honestly imagined finding him at 18 and maybe trying to start a relationship. she knew that with his age they couldn't even begin anything at the moment but she was hoping that in three years she'd get that chance. Now that she knew her age still wouldn't change anything, she wanted to cry somewhere alone, away from Milo, Hyland and Dylan. 

 

"I'm sorry. Maybe I should've been easier with that. I didn't mean to upset you. It's just, you're so sweet. I like how interested in me you are. Honestly, I like when you ask me questions. It doesn't feel like one of those cheesy band interviews," he admits hastily. 

 

"Seriously?" She smiles, swallowing the lump in her throat. 

 

"Yeah, look, we can still be friends. How about that? I'll even give you my cell and we can go out for food and go shopping. I'll be your gay best friend," he nudges. She smiles and lets out a small giggle. She couldn't ignore how adorable he could be at times. 

 

"Yeah, sure. That sounds fine."

 

"Awesome. Now, why don't you pick out a flick and I'll go make the snacks," he smiles. She nods and watches him leave the room. The other girls soon join them, not knowing anything that happened between their friend and Bill. She decides to keep it to herself until she saw fit. It wasn't like their relationship had to be a secret but she didn't want her friends to know she had nearly cried like a little bitch over a crush. Hell, she didn't want them to know she even thought he was her true love. 

 

She felt like a child for her fantasies. Dylan toes her quiet friend's foot to her her attention as she holds the remote perched in her hand. "Hey, you gonna pick something or what, dreamboat?"

 

"You okay, Torrie," Hylans asks. 

 

"Yeah, I'm fine," she smiles, looking toward the kitchen. Being able to see through the breakfast nook, she spots Bill reading the back of Milo's vegan popcorn bag, chuckling at the blurb they used to describe their product. 

 

"Jeez, I'm surprised Mr. K don't get a restraining order against you," Dylan snorts. 

 

"Oh leave her alone," Milo retorts. "My uncle is majestic af, some days my dads will catch me staring at him. He's fucking gorgeous."

 

"I wasn't...never mind, how do you guys feel about watching a classic?"

 

"Ooo, Casablanca?" Hyland offers. 

 

"Nope, I was thinking Arthur and the Invisbles? I haven't seen it since elementary school," Torrie admits. 

 

"I'm down, Mi? Hyland?" Dylan asks, kicking her sneakers off under the couch. She tucks her feet up under her and leans into the armrest. She's happy that Milo's parents were smart enough to get a large sofa on their living room. It gave her room to really veg out when she visited. 

 

"Sure. Let's wait for Uncle B though." The girls all chatter amongst themselves with the movie cued up for when Bill came into the living room with their snacks. It takes him a while but he's soon bustling into the living room with two bowls of popcorn, a real beer tucked between his ear and shoulder, three root beers tucked into his pockets and a sandwich in his mouth. Torrie jumps up to help him put the stuff down, getting a few ooo's from the girls. 

 

"Shut up! His hands were full. Milo, you should've helped him, he's your uncle," she argues. 

 

"It's alright. I've balanced more. Once I had to balance Tom's guitar, my microphone and him during a surprise drop seizure. That was not only depressing but historic," he chuckles. "Sorry, I smoked a joint earlier disguised as a cigarette and the adrenaline wore off so I'm high again." The girls all start laughing at him briefly before he looks at the television and chuckles again, nostalgically.

 

"Something wrong, uncle B?"

 

"No, who picked this?"

 

"I did," Torrie admits.

 

"Really? This was the first real movie role I actually got. I was the German voice for the main character."

 

"No fucking way!" Milo curses.

 

"Yeah. God, I must've been like what 16 or 17, I think."

 

"It's like an onion with you. There's more and more layers that I, I mean, we have yet to discover," Torrie sighs. The other three roll their eyes, Hyland snatching the remote from Torrie.

 

"Alright, Shakespeare, how about we watch the movie?"

 

"Hold on, let me go check on Sasha," Bill sputters before darting out of the room and up the stairs. The tiny child is awake but silently remains captivated by the mobile hanging above her crib. Bill extracts her from the bed, quickly changes her and brings her downstairs. He grabs some baby treats out of the cabinet and settles himself down in chair next to the tv with his beer by his foot and Sasha on his lap.

 

"Okay, go ahead." None of them saw the end of that movie. By the 45 minute mark, everyone had fallen asleep. Bill was the last to drop off. He covered the girls with a blanket on the couch and perched a sleeping Sasha---worn out from crying about her aching gums---on his chest before falling asleep himself singing lullabies to his niece. Georg enters the house, shocked that it's dead silent. He slowly walks into the living room, smiling at the sight.

 

Taking out his phone, he snaps a photo before snatching a blanket from the stairs and draping it over Bill and his youngest daughter. They all looked exhausted and he figured they'd wake up on their own eventually and move to more comfortable lodgings. No need to disturb them. He picks up the remains of their movie night and washes the dishes. He'd be sleeping alone tonight despite all his efforts to spend time with Tom, he still was robbed of precious moments. He takes a beer out from the fridge, dragging himself up the stairs and into his room.

Lowering himself to the bed, he pops the cap off his beer and takes a long swig of the bitter liquid inside. Cradling the bottle in his hands, he slowly lurches forward, tears rolling down his face. He didn't mean to cry. He honestly didn't. However, he felt safe to do so. Bill couldn't disturb him and the girls were asleep. Deep sobs crawl up from his chest and he lets them out. His breathing is ragged and he's crying louder than he expected but for once it felt good. 

Everything he had to face was overwhelming and he wanted nothing more than to be there for Tom….however. Being this pillar of strength took mental tolls on him. To be constantly worried about Tom made him feel….lonely. For some reason, he didn't feel all of Tom in their relationship. He sometimes felt abandoned. Tom would drop at the dime to spend time with Milo or Bill or to work on band stuff. Yet, every time Georg wanted time with him, he got excuses and if not that, seizures. Yeah, Georg felt abandoned. He felt this love was one sided. Those feelings sometimes bubbled inside and that's what made him lash out at Tom at times. It wasn't purposely, he just got overwhelmed and needed someone, fuck anyone to blame. 

That's why he was silent when he walked into his home. He didn't want to wake anyway. He didn't want to disturb anyone. He wanted to think about the argument he had with his drowsy husband. The same husband who admitted to his face that he forgot to take this medication that week. The same husband who he wanted to spend just one day with. The same husband who for some reason wouldn't want to spend time with him. He accused him of wanting to get out of the date. His jealousy outpouring from his body. Of course now he feels foolish for making such a claim. He knew that Tom's been preoccupied with so many other things that his health often took a back burner. 

He takes another swig from his beer. He is trying to ease his mind away from creating malicious thoughts about his husband. His loves him. He married him. Even though his wedding was destroyed by the relentless demon, he still feels it was the most beautiful day of his life. The most important too. That was day Tom became his. How could he ever regret that? No! He doesn't. He just wishes someone could fix his husband. Take the seizures away that way no moments are lost to them. 

He knew it was a foolish dream. That we barely understand a brain when it's healthy how can you cure it when it's sick? He finishes off the bottle and clutches it in his hands. He stands to toss it in the trash but he ends up flinging it at the wall. More tears fall down his cheek, this time angry ones. 

Why his husband?! Why him?! He cries to himself. He didn't deserve that. No one did. Tom is trying to live a normal life with his family and he couldn't get one days peace. Sure he didn't take this medication but his brain couldn't do without the drugs for one day. Just one. He'd much rather Tom be in bed or on an off day when they strike. He chuckles as he realizes how selfish he is. He just wanted to take Tom out. It was their date night. Their night to try and rebuild the romance that started flicker inside of him. His disease took that away from him….again. Every time. With a sigh, he turns back to his bed and leans his fists on the mattress, dropping his body weight onto the bed. He takes a deep breath before standing upright and unbuttoning his shirt. He tosses his clothes to the side and climbs into bed in his boxers. 

He had to pick up Tom in the morning so he knew needed rest. Curling up under the warm duvet, he looks at the photo on Tom's nightstand. Scooting over to Tom's side of the bed, he takes in the scent of Tom's shampoo on the pillow cases. A smile stretches across his lips as he rubs the pillow gently with his open palm. He reaches over and plucks the frame off the small table. He can make out in the moonlight an image of himself and Tom when they were younger. They were at a summer house in the Maldives, Tom sitting on Georg's lap while they share a kiss with Georg's large arms wrapped securely around Tom's torso and one of the latter’s hands grazing his chin and the other on his leg. He remembers the photo being taken by Bill after Tom said he felt dizzy and plopped into Georg's lap for a moment to catch his bearings. 

The brunette wrapped his arms around Tom because he wanted to protect him in case he fell forward. Feeling grateful for Georg caring so much, Tom leaned in for a kiss which lead to the masterpiece that is this photograph. A silent tear drops onto the frame as Georg is pulled from the memory. He could smell the salt in the air and feel the warm sand between his toes. He can feel the cold waves on his hot skin. He could also hear Tom laughing as he and his brother take turns dunking each other into the cold island water. He could see Tom splashing about like a small child in his bathing suit. It was all so….simple back then. He holds the frame close to his chest and closes his eyes, taking in Tom's scent. 

He didn't ever regret being with Tom. He never could. The memories were too great and he loved him way too much to leave. True he had his moments that were overwhelming but that's what made him love Tom stronger. He wanted him to know that no matter what, he's got him. He didn't have to fear being alone. Curling up yet again, this time around the photo, Georg closes his eyes and breathes in Tom from the sheets. The intoxicatingly aroma of Lè Strawberiè tingles down to his toes and soon he's asleep, holding onto his memories and his love.


End file.
